How many times do I have to learn?

This morning I read in Psalms 103: "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him"

It reminded me of something that happened to me in Haiti on this trip:

We had been working for a couple of days, digging ditches and laying pipes to bring water to people's houses from the community well. I was swinging a pick axe to break up the ground so that someone could come behind me and shovel out the dirt for the ditch. Once, as I brought the pick axe up over my head before bringing it down I felt the all too familiar pain in my lower back that has come to precede a major bout of back pain. Typically, after something like what I felt by the next day I will be immobilized in pain and unable to even walk correctly for at least a week.

I put down the axe and moved to side of the road and began to think about how I was going to navigate the rest of the trip once my back stiffened up. Graciously some members of the team surrounded me, laying hands on my back, and began to pray for God to heal it. At first I was grateful for their compassion but as they prayed I began to feel more and more uncomfortable. I began to protest their praying because I was becoming aware of all of the pain, hunger, and brokenness of the people in the village we had come to serve. It felt wrong to pray for my needs when there were so much greater needs around us 24 hours a day.

I believe a spiritual battle was being waged at that moment. Nick, an InterVarsity staff colleague said some words in response to my protest that I believe were directly from the Lord. He said, "Even in the midst of the poverty and pain of these people the Lord cares for you as well." That my needs, no matter how small, are not insignificant in the eyes of the Lord. I realized in that moment how much I struggle with God's love, especially when I'm in touch with how unworthy I am. But that is part of receiving God's grace and it is truly hard for the proud. And sadly, I am still a very proud man.

(Amazingly, in spite of me, the Lord took away my pain that day and though it didn't go away 100% it never hindered me from working or moving around for the rest of the trip. In the moment of the injury it felt exactly the same as previous times when I've been immobilized for a week. Call it what you want, but I believe it was the healing grace of our Lord.)